Remember that toxic relationship you couldn’t end because you were afraid of not knowing what to do next if you ended it? Did it remind you of your last job or your last girlfriend/boyfriend? If it reminded you of the former, then you are not alone in realising that that the job offer letter you took home a year ago is not the same as you thought it would be. In this piece, I am going to list a few occasions where I found similarities so eerie that I considered it worth documenting. Also, this goes extremely well with every other logically nonsensical shit I talk about. Legend: them = girlfriend/workplace.
The Coffee & Chat
After numerous attempts to land a meet/be considered as an ideal match, they finally agree to meet you for a coffee and chat. You change 3 shirts and make sure you look your personal best. You go through all the possible permutations of the conversation and add in jokes that might help as ice breakers which end up in awkward laughs. You drink very little coffee because you are worried it might give you the shits. After the meet, you wait for them to text/call you for a few days until its appropriate for you to ring them up for the verdict. If they do not answer, you know you have to go back to swiping right on Tinder (for jobs)
They Said Yes!
Several texts and calls later, they finally wear down and say yes to your persistence. You still continue to swipe right on Tinder (for jobs) since you are not sure how well this will turn out to be. You definitely reduce the speed of right swipes as you are well aware of the phrase – “Bird in hand is worth two you wear down”. You check out the profile several times before you tell your friends so they don’t judge your choice. You start playing out future scenarios where you are rewarded for your moves/skills.
[step 2]The Honeymoon Phase
Everything goes so well for the first month or two. You are going out for lunches. Long
chats. Discussions about your future. You wake up every morning full of energy and excitement. You reach before time for every meet. You find everything about them absolutely charming. You tell your friends about them. You try to learn more about their past. You want to know what they hate. You obsess about being with each other forever. You start getting scared as you are unable to find anything wrong about them.
When You Get Comfortable
The first couple months slide by and you start getting comfortable with each other and you can now tell them that meeting them would be difficult as you are nursing your hangover from last night. They put that in a log for future 
references when you ask them why they are not being appreciative of your efforts while slowly start considering it OK to fart when you are with them. You start to think that there are other options out there where you would be appreciated more. But you are kinda hooked to this one so you start giving it a month each month to see if things improve. But they don’t so you start losing interest and start being ultra shitty and the only conversation you have are about your weekend plans which you try to ensure they don’t know much about. By this time, you are now certain about whether or not you are going to introduce them to your parents.
You Start Seeing Other People
After telling a couple dozen friends about your problems, they set you up or ask you to move on. You are now
scared to get into the game again as things have changed over the last year and you are not sure if you still got moves for your next play. You have a few bad meets and you start questioning your abilities. You try to get things sorted with them once more but the log is full of things you never want to hear about and you think about dumping them right away. But you know that would not be wise so you keep hoping for the other options to give you a call soon and then you do.
The Goodbye
The day you get a yes from the new option, you start getting excited about breaking it to the ex. You start 
worrying about them not being able to be on their own but then realize the long queue of desperate individuals seeking for an opening like I did a year ago. You want to give them the news personally but you are not sure how they would take it so you compile a long text that sends a “Its not you, its me” message. You ask a few of your friends to read it to make sure that it doesn’t come out too strong. You want to let them down easy. They do not respond to your text for a few days but you are now aware that they are on the hunt too. They open the door for the queue that’s waiting out there and you pray that they don’t find anyone as dedicated and amazing as you are.
The new relationship
You waste no time in updating your relationship status. You know they would be doubly jealous because you are now with someone they hate with a passion. You hear from your friends that they have been asking around on who hooked you up with their “enemies”. You try to find every small thing that is better about the new option comparing with the ex. But soon you’ll go back to step 2.