Among all the accusations on men for being total sleazebags, it is important to note that it is the lack of rules around dating and courtship that is causing all the chaos. Rules were created when humans discovered love in the west and everyone wanted to show how bad they loved someone. This resulted in riots. Men then sat down and devised rules for courtship. Over time.. The rules were being bent and broken and has resulted in men coming up with the phrase “Wanna netflix and chill” to get straight to the end zone! WHERE ARE THE RULES? Where is the stalking? Where are the awkward searches for “funny pickup lines”, “cute puppy images” & “can I tell a girl I love her on the first date?”.

Instead, we are searching for penis shaped emojis and photoshopin our nudie pictures. If we continue to make this a norm, non-loose chicks are going to totally abandon us and that’s going to give us say a few more years of consummation and stand up shows filled with 50% of audience who laugh at the jokes without a prompter. Till we are able to create a habitable Mars using our larger brains and fatter paychecks, we need to co-exist with them women. After that, the martian bitches will take us to pleasureland anyway.

Online dating seems just too easy. Makes me think about the online dating etiquettes that we followed back when I was in college. It was crude and it was slow and it made sense. It was all because we followed rules. Lets go through those rules so as to remind ourselves of the etiquettes involved while wooing a woman.

The Meet

Most online dating stories start with a “so I saw this girl at the bar”. So lets start there. For a successful meet, one must dress appropriately. And by appropriately, I mean flashy ass lunatic style kinda dressing because the most important part of a meet is the element of surprise. Your attire must be memorable and yet intriguing. Every conversation with your love interest would revolve around the day you first met her so make sure that you spare no expense when prepping for bar visits. Anything that shines less than a hazard vest suit is a formal wear. A funny hat is a bonus.

When you find the girl who gives you the jollies, you go to her and steal her phone. If the phone has a touch lock, you must make sure you get her glass with fingerprint so that you can replicate it to use to unlock the phone. Or you need to use your carbon dating skills to guess her date of birth which will be her phone’s password. Once you get in, you need to make sure you open the Facebook app and turn off the settings that make the profile non-searchable. Once you do that, place the mobile back, tell that girl that you found the phone in the ladies bathroom and go back home. With your flashy shirt and bathroom-phone anecdote, you have a solid story for your first chat.

The Preparation

Once you get home, give it 8-12 hours to casually send a Facebook friend request to the lady. Make sure it is done casually. Do it while you are on the chair of solitude/toilet. Along with the friend request, make sure you also drop in a small message that reminds her of you. The text must be awkward and should not have words such as hi, hello, angle, model & dear. The awkwardness makes sure the chick thinks you are extra cute and by not addressing her as model or angle, you make sure she knows you have a tertiary education and are able to frame complete sentences. Those two features are certain to make any woman go weak in her knees. Adding hobbies such as bathing, shaving and moisturizing on your profile will make you the most irresistible man on earth.

Being a woman who is scared of all men trying to hit on her 24/7, she will not be the first one to text you. To initiate a chat with the woman you are going to fall in love every day, you need to gather content. Women like boring men. Boring to everyone else but entertaining to them. For this, you need content. Loads of content. In order to gather content, you need to turn on your stalking skills. You will have to go through her 2,234 profile pictures and 4,678 tagged pictures to learn about everything she hates and then add them in your DO NOT DISCUSS THIS list. You will need a dropbox file for this particular document. Note that downloading those pictures for “later use” might result in future arguments with the woman you are trying to woo. Find out which friend she tags on each of the “tag someone who does this/would eat this/is crazy/you want to annoy”. You HAVE TO send her/him a business card. Your love interest’s bestie must know that you are rich. Sending business cards to her family members is also a great idea. Once they are all impressed and they like all your profile pictures on Facebook, you are ready to charm the pants off your lady love.

The Chat

Your first text text to a lady should never be “Can I get your whatsapp number?”. That is not fooling anyone. It only shows that you are stupid. Some of the safest ways to start a conversation with a lady you are interested in is by asking her how much she earns each month. This tells her that you are not a misogynistic pig and that you are more interested about the money she makes than the digits to her phone number. Once she tells you that she earns 70% less than her male colleague and how he really needs that extra 30% to buy his favorite porn magazines and singles for them strippers.

If you think sending pictures of genitalia is the only way to impress a woman, you need to do the following things. First, go down to the nearest poultry farm. It should be a free range farm where the birds can roam around freely because women hate those caged stuff. Once you get there, request the farmer to loan you the biggest one of his cockerel based on your skin tone. After getting hold of one, take pictures of the big cock and send it over to your love interest. This kind of buffoonery works wonders as she now knows that you have an amazing vocabulary and that you take risks with your word play game.

If you are a man who thinks about putting your eggs in multiple chat boxes, mass texting is the way to go. Women love texts that look generic and realize that you are a total player and will go on to ask her mother to send over a request for marriage to lock this down.

Lastly, if she ever responds to your texts with a K.. Cry for 3 straight days and consume a couple litres of alcohol to get over her.

The Asking Out

Once you are done exchanging a couple hundred memes and a few thousand emoji, you are now ready to ask her out. Asking a woman out via messaging is the best way to remember the anniversary. Facebook allows you to put events on calendar. To do that however, you need to phrase your question right. For example, a simple “Will you go out with me?” will not add the event to the calendar. You have to edit that to “Will you go out with me tomorrow and on Sunday and Monday and so on ?”. This will definitely prompt the plan event option. Plus, if you do it right, she would be able to screenshot it and send it to everyone she knows and there is nothing more satisfying than sharing a screenshot. Not even the generic on the knee proposal. As soon as she says yes, delete all the evidence that will connect you to another chick you might have dated previously. If possible, make sure those chicks move abroad and settle there. You can do this by sending over brochures of masters programs in the U.S. Those programs are real lucrative and have worked wonders for many. If you are already living in the U.S, you can start some fake posts about crazy bitches being deported by Trump. It will probably catch on and that should get rid of the exes. Once this is done, you are ready to waste all your time and energy on maintaining a relationship with a girl you met at a bar.