I am afraid of death. A lot more than most religious folks. Probably because I don’t have a promised land after I become worm’s meat. Hence when someone tells me that one of their problem’s in life is their inability to meet someone; I have a good long chuckle in my head followed by a change in topic. The rationale behind this urge to put aside every other priority in life to focus on finding your soulmate is – “EVERYONE ELSE HAS ONE”. Other than being a solid argument, it also shows us how deeply ingrained the idea of being in a relationship is. If we want to be creatures of habit, we should limit it to coffees and beers. The urge to be in a relationship all the time is neither productive nor is it anywhere close to achieving the purpose of life. Now, in no way am I trying to diss people who think their purpose in life is to find someone to be with. If that’s your biggest priority, please YOLO the hell out of it.

Till date, you must have learned from a bunch of experiences about how people who don’t give a fuck about anything are generally the ones who are comparatively happier because things that stress you out don’t matter to them at all. This is not because these individuals do not give a fuck about anything. Its just that they have listed down a few things as their priorities in their head and anything not on this list becomes an Oliver Twist asking for more – “Please, Sir, I want some more fucks?”. Once you list down the things you are willing to struggle for, everything else becomes secondary and non-relevant. Like right now, if you ask me how much I want to get married, I will list down 10 different countries I want to visit before wiping a toddlers arse. You will counter that with, “Nitin, marrying is not just about making babies” to which the most appropriate and reasonable response is *in a baby voice* “Marrying is not just about making babies”.

Before we move on, this is not a self help article. Far from it. One of my priorities in life is to leave out a digital footprint with all my cretinous thoughts. So, please don’t think of it as a life changing piece. An article should not change your life. Learning how to make cold coffees changed my life though. You should try that. Get a blender. Put coffee powder, sugar, milk and ice cream if you want some. Life  changed. Change is what we all need. Not a commitment to routine.

Moving on. Life is shit wall to wall as it is. Attaching another life to yours does not really make it any better. You then go ahead and add more lives by making babies. No, the logic of two wrongs making a right makes no sense. That’s a logic for rapists who kill thinking that it would solve the problem. It doesn’t. (That got too dark too quick). Anyway, it leads to unhappy relationships where you end up saving your partner’s names as ‘Asshole’ & ‘Bitch’ on the phone. Woah! That could be a great spoof name for Abercrombie & Fitch. To expect a relationship to work is as big a risk as expecting your maid to work when you are not home. You cannot count on it 😛

If you thought that knowing your partner for a longer time helps.. you could not be more wrong. There is no proof that marrying your high-school sweetheart helps you live a happily ever after life. Nope. Numbers show that those relationships are as likely to succeed as the usual “met my girl at a bar” ones. Marriages were not supposed to be the result of two individuals agreeing to make their love for each other official. It was a ceremony that helped in the alliance between two families. It was a way of improving family ties. In no way are those reasons valid anymore as current marriages only bring together people for one dinner party.

To reiterate, I have no feud against the institution of marriage. Nor do I hold anything against formal/casual relationships. Do not make it your thing – is the only lesson you should take out of this 3 minute read. There is more to this shitty life than that. Hedonism might be your thing. Look it up. Or not. Because, one of the most inspirational leaders of our time once said, you can always go and love yourself. Be Liebers.

Let me offend the preachers of marriage and people of faith together by referencing an interview with a guy who is very well known as the guy who lists down the different uses of the word fuck.

Please ignore the video quality. His thoughts were wayyy too progressive for his time.

Some would say that relationships work when you want to make it work. That you cannot give up on it. But trying too hard on something that is so fragile never helps. Take the example of sleeping. The more you try, the less you sleep. Cutting your losses is difficult. However, good gamblers quit while they are ahead. The shitty ones lose everything.

I cannot stress this more but its important to know that life is NOT ALWAYS great after you find yourself a companion. Yes, you get to split bills. But you can get yourself a friend for that. A friend who drinks less and yet contributes half of the share.

You will never be able to find the right guy/chica. Because POBODY’s NERFECT making this exercise tiring and sometimes suicidal. We get bored of a phone in 3 months. That has a thousand features. A person barely has 3. So stop looking for a person that will last you a lifetime. Because unlike phones, some people don’t get upgrades either. Every individual that you fantasize about right now probably has been with someone and pissed them off real bad. There are no soulmates. Except for this chick. She is my soulmate.

Lastly, find an addiction/passion that drives you. Do not fall for a fad. Fads are the opposite of reason. Its like falling for a craze that comes along and surrendering yourself to an idiocy just because everyone else does it. This to me is mindlessness. Don’t be a sheep. Eat em. We are not dead people who are not dead yet.

If any of the celibate preachers use my article to promote celibacy, please know that sex is not off the table. It is on the table and the chair. Sometimes, on the washing machine. Nit – In & Out. Phrasing.